7 Things to Help a Friend Who Self-Harms

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I have had many friends who struggled with self-harm. When I was in elementary school, one of my friends would cut herself and always wore a jacket so others wouldn't know. She wouldn't talk about her self-harm; however, it was apparent to me since I was her friend. Anytime she would push up her sleeves, I would see the fresh cuts and the scars, but I wouldn't say anything. To be honest, at first, I didn't know what to think of it, and I consulted my mom.

When I told my mom about my friend, she said that my friend was struggling with self-harm and that she was going to reach out to the school in order to ensure there wasn't an unsafe situation at my friend's home and to get my friend the proper help she needed. My friend disappeared for a while after that, yet when she returned, she was more talkative and didn't seem down anymore. I didn't understand it now, however, as an adult, I understand that she got the help that she needed, and she was able to start a life without self-harm.

If you also have a friend who self-harms, know that there is hope for them. Even if it feels hopeless right now, there is always hope because of God. He is the giver of all good things (James 1:17), and we can trust Him with the future. In addition to finding hope in God, we can also do many things ourselves to help our friends who struggle with self-harm.
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1. Address Your Concerns with Them, but Don't Be Pushy

It is important to address your concerns with your friend, but it is essential that you don't come across as pushy. If you come across as pushy, they might shut down. Most people who struggle with self-harm are going to keep their behaviors a secret. In other words, they don't want other people to know that they are engaging in self-harm. If you want to truly help your friend, avoid bringing up the subject in front of crowds or groups of friends.

Choose to talk to your friend somewhere private and say, “I have been worried about you. Is everything okay?” By making this statement and asking a question, you will put the ball in your friend’s court. If they want to open up, they can, and if they don't, that is entirely up to them. In this way, you are removing the pressure from them and allowing them to talk about things when they are ready. This can be extremely helpful to individuals who are struggling with self-harm, as they will understand that you care about them and want to help.
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2. Contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Many people are refraining from contacting the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline because they feel it is “too dramatic.” Sometimes, encouraging our friends to contact this helpline might be exactly what they need. Yet again, we don't need to be pushy, but if our friend is ever making statements that are leaning toward self-destruction or suicide, we need to speak up or call for them. We need to ensure our friend is safe, and part of this means calling the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

I understand nobody wants to bring up the statement of “You need to reach out for help,” but sometimes it is what is needed. We don't need to ignore our friend’s subtle cries for help. Instead, we need to get them the help that they need and deserve. If you don't want to encourage them to reach out to a helpline or lifeline, ask them to see their primary care doctor or talk with a therapist about what is going on. You don't have to be pushy to show that you care and are genuinely concerned about their safety.
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3. Prayer On Behalf of Your Friend

When I say to pray for your friend, I'm not saying to just think about your friend occasionally and then do nothing. Sadly, this is what many people do when they say, “I'll pray for you.” This saying has been watered down to the extent that it means next to nothing anymore. Therefore, when I say to pray on behalf of your friend, I mean to genuinely go before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help your friend on a deeper level.

A prayer you could offer up to the Lord could be, “Dear Jesus, my friend is struggling with self-harm, and I'm really worried about them. Please help them with all of the struggles and problems they are dealing with. Surround them with Your love, care, and peace. I also ask that you help me to be a source of support to them and help them to know that they can always talk to me. Provide them with the strength that they need to reach out for help. I give You all the praise and glory, Lord. Thank You, Amen.”
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4. Listen to Them But Refrain from Offering Advice

Another tactic to help a friend who struggles with self-harm is to give them a listening ear. They may want to talk with you about their struggles. If they do this, it is important to remember you don't need to offer immediate advice. Making things about you or your experiences will cause them to shut down. Try your best to avoid doing this, as your friend might not open up to you again.

Throughout my struggles, I have opened up to a few people, but I stop opening up to a person once I have realized that they make everything about themselves. Choose not to be this kind of person to your friend. Make an intentional effort to listen to your friend and refrain from offering advice unless they specifically ask for it. Allow your friend to make this decision, but they will most likely want you to be a listening ear rather than flood them with advice you learned somewhere.
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5. Support Them as Best You Can

It is also essential to support your friend as best as you can. While you won't be able to heal them of their self-harm, you can help them to feel better about themselves and about life. Sometimes this can help tremendously and give your friend hope for the future. Remind them of God's plans for their life and how much He loves them (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:37-39).

Ask them directly what you can do to help them and support them best, and take what they say seriously. It could be that going out for a walk with them each week will help them, and coming along with them when they go to therapy will provide some anxiety relief. Talk with them about what is most helpful to them and take it to heart. In this way, you will be able to support them as best as you can. Being there for your friend and providing support will truly help them feel more valued as a human being.
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6. Offer to Go to Therapy With Them

Sometimes, going to therapy with your friend will help tremendously in their battle against self-harm. While most therapists won't allow you into the room during the sessions, it can be helpful and supportive of you to offer to drive your friend to their therapy sessions and to do something fun afterward, like getting ice cream or going to see a movie. Any of these things can help them regulate after their therapy session, as some sessions can get quite difficult. Offer to go with your friend to therapy and see if they are interested.

If your friend isn't interested in having you come to therapy, don't take it personally. Many people wouldn't like this gesture; therefore, tell them that that is perfectly okay and that you are there to talk after therapy if they need you. Setting the stage will help them know that you are ready to talk with them whenever they are, and that if they need anything, they can always reach out to you. In truth, this can provide comfort to your friend and give them an added parachute when days are hard.
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7. Do Fun Activities With Them to Help Get Their Mind Off Things

Lastly, it should not be discounted how much fun activities can help get our minds off difficult things. The same rings true for your friend who is going through a difficult season right now. Maybe your friend is also experiencing depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in addition to their self-harm. Getting out of their own heads and doing something fun can help them immensely and provide relief from the inner turmoil they experience every day.

A few fun activities you could try include biking, walking, playing a sport, painting, doing a craft, listening to music, shopping, or something else you know your friend enjoys. Think over what your friend likes to do and offer to take them to this event this week. It could be exactly what they need and give them something to look forward to. When you struggle with self-harm, you need hope for the future, and having a plan to hang out with you each week or weekend will help them see light at the end of the tunnel.
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