How to Find Common Ground When You and Your Spouse Clash on Parenting

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Parenting is one of the greatest yet most complex journeys a couple can go on together. But what if you and your spouse clash on parenting styles and how you want to parent your child? If you and your spouse are clashing on how to parent your kids, here are some ways to get back on track.

Understanding Each Other's Perspectives

Sit down and discuss your different parenting styles and where the roots of those styles come from. Do some research together into each style and talk about the history, which style you grew up with, how it affected you, and how it will affect your family. Different parenting styles include;

Authoritative parenting

Authoritarian parenting

Permissive parenting

Uninvolved parenting

The Importance of Open Communication

Keeping communication open is paramount for finding common ground in parenting with your spouse. Conflict can arise from differences in upbringing, values, and expectations of the children.

Why is open communication so important?

Establishing trust and safety: Open communication gives you both a safe space to express feelings, thoughts, and concerns. When you both feel validated and heard, it fosters a sense of trust and safety, which encourages further conversation and is essential for productively working through disagreements.

Encouraging empathy and understanding: Practicing affective communication strategies enables both parties to see the other's viewpoint. When you listen actively and empathize with each other, the conversation goes from combative to collaborative. Understanding the motivations and concerns behind each other's positions fosters mutual respect and consideration.

Problem-solving and conflict resolution: Having open communication will help you engage in productive problem-solving. Instead of working adversely with each other, you can come together to work on finding common ground or at least do some compromising. This not only resolves disagreements, it also sets a positive example to your children.

Modeling healthy relationships: Your children learn how to communicate by watching you, so it's important to show open communication to them. Explain to them that talking things out instead of arguing will help them express their feelings, listen to others, and approach disagreements healthily.

Strategies for Open Communication

-Active listening

-Use "I" statements

-Revisit core values

-Have regular check-ins

-Ask for an outside perspective

-Agree to disagree

Identifying Core Values in Parenting

Go back to your core values. Core values are the fundamental beliefs that guide our actions, decisions, and behaviors. With parenting, your core values shape how you raise your children, what you prioritize in their upbringing, and how you respond to different situations. These values are prominent in various areas, including discipline, health, social interactions, and cultural beliefs. Understanding and agreement with your spouse on these values are essential for several reasons:

Creates a unified front: Kids benefit from consistency. (I know this personally from working in daycare. The kids did best when they had the same teachers all the time rather than a new teacher every few months.) When you and your spouse share core values, you create a stable environment where kids understand and respect boundaries.

Strengthens partnerships: Identifying and embracing shared values fosters deeper communication and connection between partners and enhances overall family dynamics.

Guides decision-making: Having a shared, clear set of core values helps make decisions easier and provides a solid framework for navigating different situations.

Finding Compromise through Negotiation

Although sometimes it can be painful, negotiation is also a critical skill that can lead to mutually beneficial agreements in parenting. Negotiation isn't just about the agreement; it's also about understanding the interests and perspectives of all parties involved. This is not about letting me get what I want and forgetting the other party. Mastering negotiation will help and empower you to navigate conflicts, enhance your relationships, and maximize value in different contexts.

Negotiation Techniques:

Preparation and Research: Make sure you understand your needs, the other party's interests, and the broader context, which can lead to more informed decisions.

Active listening: This will foster an environment of trust and respect. Understanding your spouse's viewpoint lets you identify their underlying interests and concerns. Summarizing their points, asking clarifying questions, and showing empathy can diffuse resistance and build rapport, leading to a better environment for collaboration.

Create win-win solutions: Focus on win-wins that mutually satisfy both parties.

Establish common goals: Identifying shared goals can unite you and make negotiation easier.

Flexibility and adaptability: Stay open to new ideas and adaptable to solutions that may not have been considered.

Establishing a Unified Front for the Kids

You may wonder why you need to put on a united front for the kids when you already have parenting issues. This is very important because it will provide consistency and stability to your children. A united front is a commitment to present consistent messages, rules, and responses to a child's behavior. This doesn't mean you have to agree on everything; however, you must have a common understanding of key values and approaches. This front is crucial in creating an atmosphere of predictability and security.

Reasons a Unified Front Is Important

Consistency Reinforces Security: Children thrive in an environment where they can predict outcomes based on their actions. When their caregivers provide consistent feedback and responses, it gives kids a sense of security and fosters emotional well-being. Predictability helps them understand expectations and their behavior's consequences, allowing them to navigate their environment with greater confidence.

Aligning Relationships: When you are aligned in your parenting approaches, you eliminate potential conflict over differing opinions. This shows that you value your children and that their well-being is your primary concern.

Enhanced discipline and behavior management: When parents have a united front, they are more effective when implementing discipline strategies. If one parent allows a child to skip their chores while the other parent insists they get done, the child may exploit this to their advantage. When both parents agree on discipline, it magnifies their authority and leads to more effective behavior management.

Modeling conflict resolution and problem-solving skills: By engaging in respectful discussions about your differences and agreeing, you model negotiating, collaboration, and compromising skills. This teaches kids important life skills for interacting with friends and future coworkers.

Creating a Parenting Plan Together

In order to find some common ground, create a parenting plan together. This way, you can establish guidelines and boundaries together. A well-crafted parenting plan will ensure you are both on the same page and that your kids maintain healthy, nurturing relationships with both parents.

Understanding the Importance of a Parenting Plan

A parenting plan serves several purposes, including:

Clarifies responsibilities: One aspect is outlining the roles and responsibilities of each parent, making sure each parent understands their responsibilities.

Establishes consistency: A parenting plan will help create a consistent structure in your child's life.

Reduces conflict: Writing down your plan will decrease misunderstandings and ensure you are both on the same page about important issues.

Promotes cooperation: Having a collaborative approach to parenting will ensure you strive to work together instead of against each other.

Schedule a time to sit down with your spouse and write out a parenting plan as soon as possible so you can stop clashing and work together.

Embracing Flexibility and Adaptability

Because you put a parenting plan in place doesn't mean it's written in stone forever. Go back to reassess and adjust as your kids get older. If you have a four-year-old and a thirteen-year-old right now, your plans will look vastly different between the two. As they get older and things change, this is where flexibility and adaptability are most important. Ways to do this include:

Keeping communication open.

Learn continuously: If you're unsure how to handle a certain situation, research and learn a way that best suits your family.

Make individual plans according to the age range in your home.

Be flexible with each other when situations change.

Talk to other parents about how they handle X situations with their kids for some outside input.

Using Conflict as a Growth Opportunity

Conflict with your spouse isn't always a bad thing. When you embrace conflict rather than avoid it, it can lead to deeper understanding, increased trust, and better collaboration. You can flip conflict with your spouse from something unpleasant to a learning opportunity. Some strategies for utilizing conflict as a growth opportunity include:

-Cultivating a growth mindset: View conflicts as an opportunity to grow rather than a threat. Let everyone express their thoughts and be willing to explore new perspectives.

-Practice active listening.

-Establish common goals

-Stay calm and composed

-Look for solutions together

-Reflect on the conflict afterwards

Finding common ground when you and your spouse clash on parenting can be tough. But by seeing each other's perspectives, identifying core values, presenting a united front, and making a plan, you are on your way to getting your family back on track.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/zeljkosantrac

Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. She has had her work featured on Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and the Penny Hoarder. She is also the author of three children’s books, three clean romance books, one romance novella, three books of poetry, and one non-fiction book. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband, and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.