6 Well-Meaning Phrases That Don’t Help Someone Struggling with Singleness
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By Liz Lampkin, Crosswalk.com
Singles are the demographic in church communities who are passionate about serving. They seek love, acceptance, prayer, and true discipleship to live a life that honors God and fulfills their spirits. Singles are God's vibrant, chosen people within the Body of Christ who have been called into singleness for the time God has appointed. So, it's hard to believe that the one place where singles struggle the most is amongst other believers in their varying houses of worship. Believe it or not, many singles struggle in church communities for a variety of reasons, with the primary reason being the absence of a partner. This struggle stems from a human need for relationships, but it is often exacerbated by members of the Body of Christ who govern themselves by outdated teachings or a lack of guidance on the fullness of living as a single Christian. While many believers mean well when it comes to helping singles, they often—without thinking and with an innocent heart—say things that carry hidden assumptions: that marriage is the ultimate goal, that singleness is temporary or broken, or that loneliness is easily fixed.
As singles hear and internalize many of these phrases, it creates distorted identities, a sense of silent shame, isolation, unmerited pressure to find a relationship, and acceptance of false narratives about singleness. Instead of empowering singles to embrace wholeness, these phrases often create emotional, relational, and spiritual roadblocks that contradict the gospel's affirmation of every believer's value. If you are unsure of whether or not you have used a "well-meaning" phrase in conversation with single believers, take a look at some of the most common phrases that are used, and see how many single believers interpret them.
1. "I'll Pray for You a Spouse"
This is the first of many common phrases members of the Body of Christ say to singles. While this phrase carries meaning because the gesture of prayer is indicated, it narrows the focus of prayer for a single person to that of marriage rather than for single wholeness in Christ. Whether we want to believe it or not, marriage is not the primary prayer of many singles, and there is more to meeting the needs of singles beyond marriage.
2. "I'll Pray for Your Loneliness"
The next common phrase people use is praying for the loneliness of singles. This phrase indicates that loneliness is synonymous with singleness and that it defines it. It is not, and it does not. Loneliness is a common experience for everyone, whether single or married. When singles are approached with this phrase, it typically means that the person who extended the offer to pray is praying for marriage. Many fail to realize that loneliness is an experience that stems deeper than the absence of a partner. It is an emotional disconnection rooted in loss, grief, and isolation. So, when someone extends the offer to pray for an unmarried believer's loneliness, it is my hope and prayer that they are praying for healing, comfort, and godly connections where singles can reframe loneliness and find peace and solace.
3. "Don't Worry, You'll Find Someone"
The first thing that comes to mind when I hear someone say this is "who says I was looking" or "who says I want to be found!" This phrase can carry several meanings for unmarried believers, often feeling dismissive and unsupportive. It implies that singleness is a problem to be solved, is indicative of feelings of hopelessness, and shifts the focus from how God is moving in their lives to culture-driven timelines. While this is yet another well-intentioned phrase, it subconsciously reinforces the idolization of marriage and unintentionally overlooks the blessing that is singleness.
4. "Maybe You're Too Picky"
When singles hear this phrase, it tells them they should lower the standards they have for a mate, thus lowering the standards they've established for relationships. It also suggests to singles that if they lower their standards, they'll find someone sooner. Not only this, but it undermines prayerful waiting and pushes singles into a state of compromise instead of wholeness in Christ. The root of this statement shifts blame to singles and reduces their singleness to a time of desperation rather than the gift it is designed to be. Singles have a right to be selective with whom they desire to spend time, and this should be supported, not minimized with ridicule.
5. "Your Time Will Come"
What exactly does this mean? A single's time will come for what? This statement has many meanings. What singles typically hear this phrase is "life begins when you're with someone" or "you're not complete until you're married." This phrase unintentionally dismisses the present reality of single life and struggles that can often reduce their identity to a future possibility instead of affirming their wholeness in Christ.
6. "God Is Just Preparing You for the Right One"
The hidden message in this phrase suggests that singleness is a holding room for marriage. This phrase can make singles feel as if their existence is incomplete until they are married. What many fail to realize is that a single's life and ministry is not preparation for marriage, but a designated time of life where God prepares them for service, and for His glory.
While these few phrases singles often hear from congregation members, church leaders, friends, and even family are meant to be harmless, they can bring more harm than help to unpartnered believers. So, if you're looking for words to encourage a singles journey and affirm them for who God created them to be, take a look at how to rephrase the phrases above.
What to Say Instead
Instead of saying, "I'll pray for a Spouse," you can say one of the following: "I'm praying that you continue to flourish in every season of life." "I'm asking God to strengthen your joy, peace, and purpose right where you are." "I'll pray that your community and relationships are rich and life-giving." These phrases shift the focus from a marriage-centered goal or conversation to the focus of joy, peace, and holistic living in singleness.
Instead of saying "I'll pray for your loneliness," you can say one of the following: "I'll pray that you feel God's nearness and peace in this season." "I'm asking God to surround you with meaningful relationships and support." I'll pray that you experience deep joy and connection in your daily life." These phrases shift the focus from directly associating singleness with loneliness to affirming God's presence, assuring His peace, and creating meaningful connections that are centered in romantic relationships.
Instead of saying "Don't worry, you'll find someone," you can say: "I see how much you're growing and thriving in this season." "Your life is meaningful and purposeful right now." "I admire how you're living with intention and faith as a single believer." These phrases shift the focus from projecting the future of singles that they may not desire to affirming the fullness of singleness as it is.
And last but certainly not least, instead of saying "Maybe you're too picky," you can say one of the following phrases: "I trust that you know what's important in a relationship." "It's good that you're discerning about who you let into your life." "God honors your standards and the wisdom behind them." "You're worth someone who truly aligns with your values." These phrases shift the focus from standard shaming to affirming a single's right to stand firm on what they deserve in a partner and any relationship they desire.
Helping singles who struggle with their singleness begins with a massive shift in the mindset of church communities; beginning with a shift in the language used to support single believers is one small step in the right direction. Singles, as you continue your single journey through discipleship, it is my prayer that you take a stand and lovingly correct anyone who chooses to use words or phrases that are condescending towards your singleness. Whether they are conscious or unconscious of the underlying message in their words, it is up to you to discern with love and gently correct them. Using phrases like the ones listed are typically learned phrases from learned behaviors and antiquated attitudes regarding singleness. Many times, people continue learned behaviors because they aren't corrected. For the narrative to truly change for singles, it requires a single step in the right direction to effect the necessary change.
Words have power to build up or break down, and the words often chosen by fellow members of the Body of Christ are more hurtful towards singles than harmful. To change this, churches can take intentional steps to use life-giving, inclusive, and biblically accurate language instead of clichés or marriage-centered talk. This can start with three simple steps: affirm singles on their journey, reframe thoughts and prayers for singles, and replace assumptions with curiosity. When churches change their language, they change their culture. Words shape belonging; singles, you definitely belong in the Body of Christ.
